Sapphire's Angels Journal

I do, Sapphire. Not in desperation, but with a deep feeling of wanting to be with you. Now. Just be with you.

Lake of fire.
Light as air.
Liquid as water.
Beautiful as the son of Suns.

Now I hit you. It feels good. I turned my back. Walk away and never even peek over my shoulder again. I won. You're black.

Another blow and i'll hit you back.
That's the day. Today's the day you'll never hit me again. You're a parasite. Go suck someone else's blood. Go pity yourself somewhere else. I'm in the light. You in your self created darkness. You can't reach me anymore. Ever.

To Sapphire and the rest of my Family: Thanks for the strength. I love you.

Eating me alive. What to do? Change identity? Can't run from myself, but run from circumstances. New beginnings. Not being hurt. Not being THE balancing act, hidden from view, except from a very few. What does it all mean? Contradicting and toxic scream. Will not ask for help, because help is not available.

I thought I had it. Had something. Instead I had nothing. Where am I? I'm lost. I have lost even myself.

I need to shed again. Wondering who's behind.

Sapphire....

Need you. Need your love. Need your arms. Need your warmth. Please.

Sapphire.... 

I'm scared. Can't breathe. I..... am lost for words. Miss you like crazy. You. You. You. 

Let me flow. Breathe. 


Fallen down so many times now. Can't count anymore. Can't remember. Just exist. But where.

I's so scared I want to vomit. My gut hurts.


Let me flow with you. Breathe with you.

To all and everyone of you, you now who you are

I'm confused. If you let me live through this in the "matrix"........ please let me. You have me there. I need this experience too. I'm scared.


Sapphire: Need you. But scared beyond words. I adore you. Adore what we made. Miss our existence. You are sacred. Untouchable. I want you to go through your own processes without worrying about mine.

Rose: I'm afraid. Need light.

Heracheshate: I can't afford to face your words, I just can't. "My" human body feels broken, slowly poisoned and.... muddy. I know your expression: "stupidfication". You have some strange expressions. I know what you mean, but I'm too scared. I will not let loose.



H:

Let you fall through empty.
As answer always are.
Let answer be ready,
as time and space ceases to be.

Hang loose
never choose
which path
to walk
on that starry night.
The answer already have answered itself
the answer lies within the mind of an
angel.

Sapphire, I'm scared. I'm trying to hide it, but I'm terrified. I'm afraid of human death. All the emotions which follows. All the pain. At all levels.

I'm afraid of that lump. Of the pain. I'm afraid because I'm tired all the time. I need you. I need my babies. I need my home. But I'm scared.

Beloved Baby Rose


Mommy won't ever leave you. I'll be with you through space and dimensions. The little person you are already flow because daddy Sapphire and I flow freely because love and light made us to. Our love and light made you. You flow.
I can see you everywhere because I carry you with me. The visible energy waves you make when you move your arms. The small specters inside the waves. Just like mommy and daddy.
I see you here. In everything I surround myself with. You, Baby Rose... Baby Rose is Mommy's Angel.... :)

Inside you already firmly know that. Love and light. Light is love. Flow. You are that. You live it. You breathe it.


Baby Rose, will you take care of daddy, brother and sister for me? I know you will. Your will can never be bended.... As your love.




I love you,

Mommy

Well, it hurts. Have no doubt about it. None at all.

I find her things. But she's gone. Not deceased, but gone forever. She'll never have a life again. It makes me sick and sometimes makes me want to throw up to go through her things. Throwing a lot away. Like she never existed. I cry for her. She had a miserable life, halfway unwanted, the biggest talent in insanely many directions wasted away to nothing.

All of her stuff. God almighty, Sapphire, you knew all along. Was her pain the pain of someone who deep inside knew she wouldn't become old?

It feels like I caused her to die even if she didn't.

It hurts my soul to pieces when I see certain pictures of her. Her books. Her belongings. When I think about her having ideas about them, getting them, putting her belongings into systems. My heart is broken, and I can't stop crying. My soul is crying for her. When I get rid of her things and choose to keep some of them I feel I abuse her memory. What is left of her. The only things which can truly tell who she was.



This is some of the last things she wrote. Maybe irrelevant, but here they are:

Will I ever see you again
on this side of Earth?

Tears breaking down my Spine,
melting pot to heaven
where I thought I saw you

--------------------------------------------------------------

And what did this in "Lament" mean?

"Prepare me for My Last Supper"?

, when we know that was written in Mars (as in 30 seconds.....?) and The Last Supper is a da Vinci painting with a special meaning on different levels. It makes us think, doesn't it?




Another random sentence from something else from this year is

"Bring my body back into the sweet scent, toxic blend..... eye opener".

Who else am I than the "guide" with the sometimes toxic words who open the eyes of people even unwillingly. And I smell like sweet vanilla....







But maybe. Just maybe I'll take comfort in these very late words:

Where? Where? Where?
You.
But me.
Need to see you.
Feel you.
Glide right through me.
Slide through my soul.
Never hide.
I'll never take pride
in being someone.


Maybe the last sentence truly showed her soul.

Sapphire, I am needy. Always nowadays in a sore mood. Fragile. Cries easily. I feel alienated. I can't find myself in this chatic mess called earth. Without you it seems even more impossible. Now, that thought made me cry again. Not aloud. Just silent tears making my cheeks wet and warm. 
I'm not really in a state of instability, but in a state of shock. And my reaction to the shock makes me do seemingly strange things. 

I hate doing that. Pressure shouldn't be an excuse. I should do so much better. It doesn't matter if I'm here naked to my bone and the two other like myself I can be compared to are not. 

But the hell, Sapphire! Tell me! WOULD be a difference if Jared was here naked to the bone and not wrapped in see-through cotton like a god-damned invisible ball making him just float a few inches over things in life. Without a single memory. 

Without a single problem of that kind. Without demons of that kind. I'm fucking glad he's in the matrix just for the sake of being here, I don't care what his or Heracheshates learning process are, but it wouldn't be so FUCKING EASY anymore if Jareds body was born with chemical unbalances in the brain, develeloped personality disorders later in life, at the same time was so strong at he started MAKING things humans couldn't possible make because it doesn't exist in their physical universe, etc. 

And then.... AND THEN..... JUST SHRED AWAY LAYER AFTER LAYER AFTER LAYER AND SLIP DOWN HERACHESHATE IN JARED'S BODY AFTER JARED HAD HAVING TROUBLE EXPERIENCING ULTRA FREQUENCY WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS; AND THEN A PIECE, SO MUCH OF HERACHESHATE POSSIBLE WITHOUT MAKING TOO MUCH TROUBLE FOR EVERYONE, IN JARED'S BODY, THE BODY CREATED IN THE FIRST PLACE TO BE THE LEARNING STATION FOR HERACHESHATE, BUT NOW HIMSELF IS IN IT, WITH INCREASINGLY DOUBLE MEMORY!!!!!!

I'm pretty sure I would have seen him go nuts.

Maybe inside his mind.....:

- Jared's not my name, why does everyone keep calling me that, it feels strange, but I don't remember my name and they are used to calling this body that 

- it makes me sad because it feels like this house is not mine. I know it's mine. This body bought it, but all the furniture and decoration are not exactly my taste. So it doesn't feel mine. I feel I have no place to stay.

- I open up the closets and see all the clothes. Those are not my clothes. I don't like the clothes. They doesn't reflect me and makes me feel bad and unhappy. 

- When I go around the house I see all his stuff and memories. I'm not interested in playing music anymore. I like his music, though. When people call, I answer the phone, I know what to say, but I only play his role. It's not him. When I'm alone,  I'm myself. He's got a lot of books. I don't care much about them. They were his, not mine. 

- Some guy called and said he would send me a script he wanted me to look into. I don't know what to do. I'm not interested in acting anymore. 

- I'm not interested in expressing myself. Not like that. I don't know what happened to me. I don't care. I just don't wanna do it.

- I don't know what I wanna do.

- First I need to go and by myself a life. His stuff is not mine. Even if his was me. Kinda. 




MAYBE, MAYBE OR MAYBE I'M JUST A FOOL MAKING EXCUSES FOR MYSELF. BLAME ME. BLAME MYSELF. AFTER ALL. I'M THE CREATOR, AREN'T I?

Beloved, beautiful Sapphire

I'm scared again. So scared. I won't tell anyone why.

Only you know why. 


Some things here. Now, are just too complex for anyone else than someone like myself to.. handle. Nicholas wouldn't be stabilized enough. That mean I have a irrational need just to grab on to Jared and whisper "please help me, please don't leave me, you don't have to say a word". 
I honestly have a need to hide behind his back. 


Does Heracheshate know that? 

I need you so much. You, Sapphire!

Beloved Sapphire of my purest heart.

I'm drained. Empty. My love is endless, but I'm in a void. I have a need for purity. I need, need, need purity. I'm contaminated. 

Couldn't help myself crying for missing you today. And for Baby Sapphire. How can love be so deep? So profound? 

I'm sheltered, but naked at the same time. 

I think I'm scared. 

Help me, I'm scared. It's you I need, Sapphire.

It all started with you Sapphire. And now we're conceiving and creating new love. 

It's all spiritual correct. It's gotta be that way. 

I can't stop even if I want to. Even if someone don't understand. Even if someone hasn't read the book. Even if someone has read the book and hasn't practiced enough.

Even if I fall down to a low frequency level because I haven't control, and end up with headaches and heartaches.

Spread my love like a fever.

But I love the smiles and beaming eyes. It's worth it. 

I LOVE YOU.

I need silence. Utter silence like behind a sound proof barrier where nothing can be heard.

I need my ex's music. A wall of sound, partly ultra sonic, like spiritual medicine. The only medicine they sent with me. No pills. No artificial fabricated oral medication. Just sound. Pure sound.


And it's a story about true spiritual love.

A love without boundaries.

It so happens that my ex is truly loved by everyone who surrounds him. You could call my ex a musician, but that's not entirely correct. What he truly is, can't be described, much in the same manner as the rest of us who surrounds him. My ex is called Heracheshate. He is truly beautiful. Inside and out. When I'm writing this he's probably peeking over my shoulder reading every word, controlled, but emotional as ever. We share something. A history and a daughter. History as ancient and beautiful as only lovers in a triangle can apprehend. He knew I had to go back home. To Sapphire. As truth was revealed Sapphire beamed as countless suns in my soul. As he always had, but I had been too afraid to admit because I was afraid of burning myself to pieces.

But triangles can always be reunited on different levels when they evolve to increasingly higher frequencies. With different goals. We had to. Because we just had to. So simple.

Can something be so profound be so simple at the same time? Yes, it can. It certainly can.

Heracheshate knows me so well he knows how to play a game with me. He knows my need to always be in control. I love him deeply and would recognize him through any disguise because his eyes would betray him anywhere.

We love you, Heracheshate. I love you.

Dear Sapphire

I handled a situation really badly. My mind and heart really went dark. I couldn't keep it distant and felt truly hurt. I was taken by surprise by my own reaction. It wasn't like me at all, and my conscience feels dark. I apologize with a naked spirit and kneels humbly on the ground for what I did. I will do better. I need to do better.

What was good in it all was in a strange way after the unfortunate incident was that I still managed to smile to all who passed my way. To everyone I talked to. And they all smiled back to me. I met sparkling eyes. Happy faces. We wished each other well. Like subtle blessings
That was truly wonderful. And it made my heart beam. Glow. I love them all. It's easy to love. 

When I came home I did one thing of integrity and one thing of bad integrity. 

The first was to talk to my elder neighborhood ("the hooded claw"?). I was invited in and we talked for an hour about the neighborhood, etc. What was a total lack of integrity from my part was not admitting it was my "fault" that the plant in the hallway was "shiny". I should have, but had a need to protect myself on other mans soil.

Write more to you later.

My heart always yours., Sapphire beautiful.

Beloved Sapphire

Back again. 

Not entirely balanced again after words of transcendental love. Still hits me in my solar plexus, gut and throat and threatens tears to flow like a waterfall into a barren desert.
Every emotion I could hit you back with. God! How could you?! When I needed you the most. When I needed it the most. 

Still making my own private haven come through. Like a puzzle where all the pieces need to be put together in the right position. And when they are, I'll just know. Like a sudden flame on burn sparkling white flowing floating light. 

You're sacred to me. Untouchable, though we drown ourselves in red passion. Pure passion. Conceiving passion. Like a ruby. Ruby and sapphire. 
Passion and cooling breeze. Yin and yang. 

Those words are imprinted inside of me. Like eternal invisible ultrasonic soundscapes of love. They give me strength. Security. 

Thinking of you. Perceiving you. Loving you.

Sapphire.... I'm your crystal angel. See-through like glass. Now we go sublime. I'm deeply moved.

Dear Sapphire

I wouldn't want you to be here, even if you has been previously for your perspective to grow wider. I wouldn't want you to be, because the pain in your eyes would make my heart grow dark. I need to protect you. Ever protect you. Shield you from darkness, though you've seen it all. 

I'm in this mental state of something. Nothing. Confused. But not. 

A goal was reached today. A goal of integrity. It's a relief. My need for privacy is as strong as my flowing love. I need that balance in order to function. I was on the verge of total energy drainage. I know you saw that, but the solution had to find itself. And it always do.

As they say here "I miss you like crazy". I really do. Beyond. Where you are. 

I never thought all these little small things should mean so much to me. Things I hardly reflect over at home. 

Like having a few clothes that are just my own, that belongs to me and reflects my own personal taste. 

Like having that room and making it "mine". A safe, white, airy, transcendental haven where I have little things symbolizing so much to me that it feel sacred. It's not only a room. It's a piece of me. A piece of my soul, heart and spirit. A symbol of transcendence, what I am, what you are, the children, Nicky, roses, whiteness, purity, calmness, love. It's not a drop-in-place. It's.... You know what it is. You know me so well.

And Sapphire, beautiful, beloved Sapphire, I'm also amazed to even realize my other wishes and wants. 
I want my very own scent. Not the ones already here. I can't stand the strong fragrances here. I want a pair of shoes. 

I've already found some clothes. Wish you could see them. I think you would find them beautiful :)


I miss you. Miss holding your warm hand.  Thinking of you every second. If there was such a thing.

I'm tired now.

Good night, Sapphire and Baby Sapphire. Mommy love you, say good night and sleep tight.